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Diaryland

I Start Fires!

Lexiroth
Her Rainess
Lizsama
'Cedez
Moonie
Pipey
Timofsky
Motro
Squeeky
Lady Maverick
DM
Shoisies
Chokie

2002-12-04

Piggy's specs were nicked at: 2:18 p.m.

A man builds a city
With banks and cathedrals
A man melts the sand
So he can see the world outside

A man makes a car
And builds a road to run them on
A man dreams of leaving
But he always stays behind

Sometimes I wonder if I'll outgrow city life. I think I eventually will. I feel like ... wandering. I was happy on the road when David and I drove back from North Carolina. David said it was easy for me to feel that way since I wasn't the one driving. He has a valid point.

I don't want to go far away, and wherever I end up I want a home to come back to. Can't have it all, of course. I'm just talking nonsense here. But I dare say -- and I never thought I'd say it -- I'm afflicted with wanderlust.

It's strange, because I'm quite happy with the life I have now. I have a good husband, I'm close with my immediate family and am able to visit once every couple of weeks or so. I have a home, and even if my landlord drives me mad, it's a warm place to stay during the winter. And it's ours.

So then, what's my problem? As a youngster, I didn't travel much and never felt a desire to. Even small social events irked me. Well, they still do actually. If I ended up hitting the road, I wouldn't want any companions except David.

Logically, I can't afford to travel right now, but I think it would do me some good. If I'm to get serious at all about writing, I can't stay in the city. The city caters to me, and I'm just tired of the crowds I guess. I'd like to get back to nature for a while. I need a change of enviroment to get my juices flowing. Etobicoke doesn't offer much, not even as much as my former city sector, North York, which has an abundance of parks and rivers.

But then again, I can't stand small town life. The good thing about cities is that everyone is absorbed in themselves. Not to say they're nasty or anything, but no one cares what you were wearing to the Harvest Festival. I like being an observer of people, too. It helps me write as well. But when I have to walk among them in a smelly, hot crowd, I start to feel antsy. Like I am right now. I'm still a home-lover. I'd like to just be a homemaker, actually.

Maybe it'll pass. Maybe I'll wait 'till I'm a little older before I decide to move or not. At the very least I'll wait until life is a little more stable. As far as cities go, Toronto is a good one to live in and raise a family ("Or a houseplant" -- Scott Thompson), but to repeat myself I think I'm tired of cities in general. Maybe a farm. I'm not much with plants, but I do love working with animals, and I miss that.

Maybe I need the Christmas shopping season to glide by as painlessly as possible.

But I posted those lyrics above because they're true. A Man dreams of leaving but he always stays behind. It speaks for me. I think it speaks for many of us, the more I look at society. Humans don't play well together in groups larger than four, and we long to get away from the crowds. But something calls us back. It's our social nature. It makes us unbalanced. We're meant to live in groups, like chimps. But humans aren't entirely animals. If we were, we'd be content. We have a little something extra, something mysterious. And that's what goes against the animals in us all and causes trouble.