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I Start Fires!

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Chokie

2002-10-23

Piggy's specs were nicked at: 10:15 a.m.

In a seizing urge to scrawl nonsensical sweary words all over society, I've started using my Livejournal.

Admittedly, I've been using it for a little while. Beware of random immaturity. When I have something meaningful to say, I'll say it here. When I want to fart all over the internet, I'll say it there.

Here is a sample:

Been having a steady flashback all day.

I keep thinking of my cousin in Ireland, The Chill. Don't ask me his real name, because I have no idea. The Irish are obsessed with nicknames. I never met The Chill, and I don't know much about him except that he sometimes dresses up in women's clothing, strips narcoleptics naked, and leaves them in the lobbies of posh Belfast hotels.

When I was 16 or so, The Chill once called our house long distance in a fit of drunken...drunkeness. As it is, I can barely decipher Belfast accents. Especially ranty slurred Belfast accents over a staticky phone. What did he want? I still don't know, but it scared the hell out me.

That's pretty tame. I didn't even say "fuck" once. Now that I reflect further upon the above anectdote, I'm not sure if The Chill is a cousin or something more distant. My older brother could probably tell me if I bothered to email him.

THE ADVENTURES OF A SEMI-LIBERAL CANADIAN IN THE DEEP SOUTH Continues!

When we last left our weary travellers, my body was spilled sloppily all over the seats of Amtrak's coach class. The train rolled through the night.

"Welcome to Virginia," the conductor said cheerily over the PA before screaming, "GOOD MORNING!"

I jumped to life, scared out of my mind that we'd missed our stop (Richmond). We were still good for two hours, but I poked David for a solid 20 minutes anyway. Couldn't rouse him.

Now, I love driving/training(?) through Virginia and West Virginia. David hates both states, especially W. Virginia. He's not fond of heights. But I grew up in Southern Ontario all my life, which is as flat as a board and has no mountains to speak of, unless you count Hamilton Mountain. Which I don't. So it was a treat to see Virginia at six am, shrouded in mist like a blushing virgin bride or something meaningful like that.

We stopped at Richmond at 8 a.m. Neither David or I expected the capital of a state to be so ... small. But it was pretty. We ate breakfast at Shoney's, and not for the last time. Dang, I like Shoney's. Damn good meatloaf. Wish they had some in Canada.

Then we went to a dollar store and bought some no-name "Travel Games." Un vrai disastre. The "Scrabble" board had no centre square. No centre square!! How in the hell does that work? But the really tragic part of this story was finding out we had to put the letter stickers on the letter pieces ourselves. Yes. Tiny things they were. And then we found out there was no centre square.

That was the end of No Name Scrabble.

God bless the human being who constructed Richmond's train station and equipped the long rows of seats with cushions. Both of us passed out until the choo choo train came 'round to take us to Charlotte.

Nothing fun happened on the voyage. By then we were both experts at curling up into unusual positions and sleeping. So we took advantage of our new talent.

An eternity later, we made it to the end of the rails. Fweee! David's dad met us, along with Wolf. Then we ate at IHOP, hooray for IHOP! Some of our experiences were recorded in my Livejournal -- so IHOP over there, ha ha.

One thing I really like about America -- Coke in glass bottles. Wow. Just, wow. I can barely recall glass bottled Coke from the darkest recesses of my childhood, but it's a faint, faint thing.

Another thing I like. Cheap books. Found Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for five bucks at a Wal Mart. Holy moly. I absolutely cannot find it in Canada for a reasonable price, paperback or hardcover. I didn't buy it, however, because the US versions are different from the UK / Canadian versions. I didn't want to break up my set. Go ahead and laugh. I can't look at the American cover without thinking of Hyakugojyuuichi!! anyway.

Handy hints for Travelling Canucks!

--Easy answers to American patriots who boast that America can "Nuke Canada anyday:" simply reply, "Of course you can." It really confuses them, and it's the total truth. Stops the annoying conversation dead cold.

--You can start picking up Toronto's classic rock station, Q107, about 60 miles south of Buffalo.

--You can expose Americans to our culture and play a fun drinking game at the same time. Show a Loonie to a Yank. If they blurt, "What the fuck?" drink one drink. If they giggle, "It's a duck!" take two drinks. For lucky best fun, show your friend one of our new five dollar bills. Yes, the one with hockey on it. I didn't have one with me, but David made sure to tell every passerby that Canada's five dollar bill has a picture of kids playing hockey. I don't see what the big deal is. The old bill had a kingfisher. I've never seen a kingfisher in my life, but I think every single Canadian I know grew up playing ball hockey in the middle of the streets -- or even ice hockey, when the weather got cold enough. We should change our National Anthem to "CAR!"

In my darker moods, I think about the probability of Americans allowing their money to be reduced to cartoony nicknames the way Canadians have. It makes me smile because I know I'll sooner see the sun set at 2 p.m.

--Speaking of our worthless currency, those crafty Americans won't even let their vending machines take our caribou disks. However! Our quarters do work in vending machines that require you to sit the quarters into little slots, and then push the arm in. I got many free stickers.

--Get used to not having any change slosh around in your pockets ... just the whisper of silent bills. No, don't try to get used to it. You won't.