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Diaryland

I Start Fires!

Lexiroth
Her Rainess
Lizsama
'Cedez
Moonie
Pipey
Timofsky
Motro
Squeeky
Lady Maverick
DM
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Chokie

2002-09-19

Piggy's specs were nicked at: 3:07 a.m.

Purplepussy.net.

No, I'm serious.

Many moons ago, back in the Guns n Rosy era of 1991 ... or 92 ... fuck, whatever ... A genius named Shigeru Miyamoto was all smiles when he unveiled a gem of our generation: Super Mario Bros. 3.

"I believe Super Mario 3 will provide hours of fun exploration and entertainment for the children who play it," he declared.

Ten years later, a dysfunctional husband and wife unit sit on a busted $40 couch they rescued from Goodwill, stuffing their gobs with bacon chips and guzzling litres of Coke, passing a greasy controller back and forth, their fingers slipping off the D Pad at crucial jumping points.

"FUCK CUNT BITCH!" the male barks when he slams into a Koopa Troopa lumbering on a block of ice.

Miyamoto, Creator of All, is this what you had in mind for your people?

The fun part about marrying is sharing the terminologies one garns over a life with siblings:

DAVID: (Points to the giant fish inhabiting the Water World of Super Mario 3) "See, that guy's name is Boss Bass."

ME: "How do you know?"

DAVID: "I had Nintendo Power's Mario 3 guide."

ME: "Oh. My little brother and I used to just call it the Chinese Fish."

DAVID: "Oh oh, here comes Boss Bass!"

ME: "You mean the Chinese Fish."

What? Old habits die hard. It's the Chinese Fish, dammit. But only a game like Mario 3 would let your imagination and prejudice run like a stallion. Newer Mario games are a lot of brilliant fun, no arguing that. But there will never be another Mario 3. There will never be another game so full of surprises and exploration. There will never be another game that puts you in a creepy abandoned mini-fortress made entirely out of bricks, and leaves you to hunt for inevitable P-Switch that will turn them all into a sea of coins. Remember finding little things like the Coin Boat and Hammer Suit for the first time? Or when you get to the Sky World for the first time, and see the Spiral Fortress. "What the hell is up with that," you wonder. The only way to find out is to keep playing the levels through until you get to it and investigate for yourself. Oh, for a game like Mario 3 again. But there will never be another.

Until Mario 3 advance. RIP OFF. Give me a Gamecube remake.