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Diaryland

I Start Fires!

Lexiroth
Her Rainess
Lizsama
'Cedez
Moonie
Pipey
Timofsky
Motro
Squeeky
Lady Maverick
DM
Shoisies
Chokie

2002-05-03

Piggy's specs were nicked at: 7:13 a.m.

w00 Mr. Maple Leafs, you'll have to play better than that if you want to win the Cup, eh?

I'm off to a sleep clinic! This'll be fun. It'll be like a sleepover with adhesive stuck to my forehead. The nightmares, which subsided for about three weeks, came galloping back. I said, "Fuck this shit. I don't live in a country with free health care just to suffer." So when I went to my doctor to get a note saying I won't give tuberculosis to everyone, I told him about the nightmares. Interesting thing, he asked David if I snore. He said a bit. (Oooh, someone's not getting any sex for a month. Kidding. A week.) Then he was asked if I breathe irregularily in my sleep. Apparently, I do sometimes. Doc Man said I might have Sleep Apniea, or however the hell that's spelled, so he prescribed me to the clinic. My older brother spent a night there as well, when he went through a year-long stage of waking up from nightmares screaming, and throwing over his bedroom furniture in a fit of terror. Nothing like sitting up in your room with the lights off, wandering the skin-crawling City of Ancients in FF VII at 2 a.m. and hearing a bone-chilling scream from your older brother downstairs.

Speaking of FF VII, I've been playing it again all the way through for the first time in a few years. I'd always get to the Temple of Ancients and give up at that cockmother of a Demon Wall. FF VI will always have a place in my squishy heart as my favourite FF, even if the sap just oozes out of the cartridge connectors. But I adore VII as well. It bores the piss out of me until I exit Midgar and its Ten Billion Robot Bosses. Then things start in earnest, even if the story goes up the wall in a Ferrari the minute you step foot outside of the slums.

The game has a lot of atmosphere, which is a cheap buzzword I throw around. But work with me here. Did it not just send chills down your spine when the party arrived at Nibelhiem to find it all intact and everyone saying to Cloud, "who the hell are you?" And good God, Cloud's Mako poisoning is just ... I don't know. Something about it just strangles me. The music couldn't fit the situation any better, and for the first time in the history of man, I admired Tika and Cloud.

If you ignore gopherfield of a story and focus on the little things like that, the experience is a tremendous one. I bought a Playstation for FF VII, and I never regretted it. Same as I bought a N64 for Mario 64 and the Zeldas, and I never regretted that, either. I regretted Banjo-Kazooie when I threw up with motion sickness, however.

Half the fun of RPG's is naming your characters. This session's brood is a varied and colourful bunch. For a million dollars, match up the names to their namesakes (and origins):

Cloud = McMurphy
Tifa = Big Nurse
Red XII = Marlfox
Aeris = Sophie
Barret = Chef
Cid = Flagg
Cait Sith = Chief
Vincent = Lectral
Yuffie = Stryk

Yellow Chocobo = Nobu
Green Chocobo = Spumco

Bonus: Castle in Suikoden II = Fucknut Castle.

Did I mention the million was in Canadian funds? [/mouldy joke] If I had my druthers, RPGs would contain mammoth amounts of memory for the sole purpose of giant character names. Then I could finally name Vincent "Captain McAngst of the Weepy Seas."

Well, let's have some fun, God forbid.

-- Life in the Midgar slums must be real hard, what with the free electricity and all. Even that drooling, head-bobbing dude in Sector 7 (referred to tenderly by Aeris as "This guy" who "are sick") has a TV in his damn pipe. Shit, throw me in an old septic tank for all I care, just as long as I have my flickering brain candy. At least there's not some maddening lifeform constantly barging in to do their laundry.

-- Am I the only human who didn't think Aeris' death was sad in the least? Oh, don't get me wrong, the animation was beautiful. And I guess I did feel sorry for Cloud when he laid to rest in her red jacket, oh, her lovely red jacket, and mother-kicker combat boots.

-- Hey Nanaki, it's great that you're the noble son of Seto, but just a second ago, you were cursing your father as a waste of intdeterminative-species sperm. So could you, uh, stop it you hypocrite? And you're not going to convince me how much better you are than the human race if you're constantly scratching at yourself. You're a great old fighter, though. Eat Cosmo Memory and fucking like it, Sephiroth!

-- There's an enemy called "Touch Me."

-- There's an enemy called "Bandersnatch."

-- The CPR minigame is fucking stupid.

-- But the snowboard and motorcyle games rock, and so does Chobobo breeding/racing. Card mini games can take a hike up my colon, Square.

-- Five years later, I still tear up watching Elmyra tell the story of her waiting endlessly at the train station for her husband. And when Aeris says to her, "Please don't cry. Someone you love very much has just died ... " Oh yes, I weep. I can't help it, I just can't.

-- If FF VII is indeed redone, here's a free tip Square. Do something about that jumbled mess of a "strategy minigame" at Condor Fort. Telling one enemy troop apart from the other is murder, and I usually end up randomly throwing buckets of my blue triangles at Shinra's red triangles. Being the rich Jew that I am, I always win because of my endless money supply. But it still makes me sad to watch three "beasts" rip up one of my "shooters." It's pretty fun when I kill all the triangles and sic the survivours on the Commander.

"Wow Joe, I guess I'll live to see my little Amy grow up after all."

"All right soldier, get your 100-HP ass in there and swing your hammer at that 500-HP commander!"

"Buggery-fuck."

Ah, Square.

It's David's birthday today! Many more, my love! (Faints in his arms.)

That is SO FUCKING MESSED I can't even TELL you!!

Love

Bitch Mom

And now, I go to finish updating Mechadrake.